Cell Phone Chicken Heatlth Blog

Supporting Your Spouse

How often do you feel like talking to a friend about the annoying habits of your spouse or complaining to a relative about what your spouse did the other night that made you so mad? Depending on the length of your relationship, my assumption is that you’ve wanted to do this quite often. Well, what you may not know is that you are actually damaging your relationship by speaking to others about your frustrations. The more you speak negatively about your spouse to others, the more others begin to assume your relationship is hurting, and the more you begin relying on others to meet your emotional needs instead of your spouse. This will inevitably lead to a need for Indianapolis marriage counseling.

Each time you turn to someone else instead of your spouse to speak about a frustration or describe a desire for your relationship, you are missing a chance to strengthen your relationship and bring emotional closeness between you and your spouse. In this process, you begin developing an emotional relationship with another (a best friend, co-worker, parent) that soon replaces the emotional relationship you have with your spouse. The person you turn to begins knowing more than your spouse about your desires and wishes for your relationship and you start becoming more frustrated that your spouse is not fulfilling your needs and desires.

My encouragement for relationships is that spouses tell one another about their desires and frustrations so they may be fixed within the relationship and remain safe from outside assumptions and input. The key to speaking with your spouse comfortably is knowing that your spouse will hear you even if your spouse does not agree with you. Getting to this place is a matter of trusting yourself, trusting your spouse, and knowing your desires. Many couples are uncomfortable in asking one another to fulfill their needs. When this happens, spouses begin making assumptions about one another like “he wouldn’t understand,” or “she won’t do that,” without ever asking. Confusion sets in and a cycle is created that keeps needs from being met.

As a couples’ counselor, I encourage all my couples to explore their personal needs and willingness to ask their spouse for what they need. As a couple becomes more comfortable asking each other for what they need, the desire to complain outside the relationship decreases and the emotional intimacy and connection between the couple increases because confusion and guessing within the relationship disappear. If your needs are being met in the relationship and you are comfortable asking your spouse for what you need then you can begin speaking to other people about your great relationship and respect for your spouse.

I understand that couples have conflict and that no relationship is perfect, but I also understand that conflict can decrease and satisfaction can increase the more comfortable you become in speaking with your spouse about your needs instead of a friend, neighbor, co-worker, or parent. You can also be a great example to others who struggle in their relationships and use you to complain about their spouses. You can encourage them to speak with their spouse about their frustrations before they speak with you and help begin a healthy change in others’ relationships.

I encourage you to be mindful of the time you spend speaking to others about your relationship. Over the next week, I challenge you to stop yourself at least once when you feel the urge to complain about your spouse and make the choice to speak with your spouse about your frustrations. This change takes time and effort, but your relationship is worth it.